Gentle questions to share memories at a funeral, wake or condolence visit

Short answer: Ask open, gentle questions that invite a memory rather than a report: how did you meet, what made them laugh, what will you remember. Ask one at a time, let silence be, and follow the other person's lead. There is no need to record anything on the day itself.

Last updated: 3 November 2026.

At a wake, after a funeral or on a condolence visit, many people do not know what to say. The questions below are not an interview. They are small openings that let someone tell a memory of the person who died, if they want to. Most of them start with the life, not with the end.

They are for family and for friends: for the visitor who sits with a widow or a son, for cousins who meet again at the reception, and for a group of friends who stay behind together. Use one or two. Often that is plenty.

How to ask

• Ask one question, then listen. Silence is part of the answer. You do not need to fill it.
• Follow their lead. If someone wants to talk, keep going gently; if they stop, let it rest and simply stay.
• Start with the life, not the death. How they met, what the person loved, a funny moment. These memories are often easier to share.
• What not to ask. Avoid questions about the illness, the last days, money or what could have been done differently. Avoid comparisons with your own loss, and do not ask how someone is coping as a test.
• Share one memory of your own, short and kind. It often makes it easier for the other person to share one too.

How you knew them

1. How did you first meet?
2. What was your first impression of them?
3. What is the earliest memory you have of them?
4. What did people call them at home, or among friends?
5. Where do you picture them most easily: in the kitchen, in the garden, at work, at the table?

Who they were

1. What made them laugh?
2. What were they really good at, even if they never said so?
3. Was there a saying or a word that was typically theirs?
4. What did they love doing on a free afternoon?
5. Which music, food or place belonged to them?
6. What were they proud of?
7. What could make them a little stubborn or impatient, in a way you now smile about?

Moments to remember

1. Is there a day with them that you like to think back to?
2. Was there a trip, a party or an ordinary evening that stayed with you?
3. What is a story about them that everyone in the family or among friends knows?
4. Is there a photo of them that you love, and what was happening when it was taken?
5. When did they surprise you?
6. Did they ever help you in a way you have not forgotten?

What they gave and taught

1. What did you learn from them?
2. Is there something you do the way they did it?
3. Which piece of advice of theirs do you still hear?
4. What do you think they would want people to remember about them?
5. Is there an object that makes you think of them?

For friends who stay behind together

1. Which evening with them do we still talk about?
2. What was their role in our group?
3. Which story about them would the family perhaps not know yet?
4. If we raised a glass to them now, what would we say?

One question is often enough. If the conversation stops, that is not a failure. Being there and saying the name is already a lot.

Recording and keeping the answers

• On the day itself, usually do not record. A wake or a condolence visit is not the moment for a phone on the table. Listening is enough.
• Write a few words afterwards, for yourself: who told which memory, and a sentence or two of it. Names and small details fade quickly.
• Write a memory in the condolence book or on a card. A short, concrete memory often means more to the family than a general word of comfort.
• Later, if it ever feels right, you can ask whether someone would like to record a memory or write it down. Some people want to, some never do. Both are fine.

A place for the answers

Later, when it feels right, some families and friends gather these memories in one place, so they can be read and listened to again. The Memory Palace is one option: a private palace with a room for the person, where relatives and friends can add a memory, a photo or a voice recording through a collect link, without an account. A palace is private by default and you choose who gets in. It is made by a small team in Leuven. There is no hurry; if you want to look at it one day, you can make a palace for free.

Questions for other occasions

• St Nicholas and Sinterklaas
• Christmas dinner with grandparents
• New Year's Eve with friends
• A 70th, 80th or 90th birthday
• Your parents' wedding anniversary
• Mother's Day
• Father's Day
• Grandparents meeting the new baby
• A school or class reunion
• A road trip or holiday with old friends
• A retirement farewell

Read on: collecting photos and stories from everyone after a death, how to make a photo slideshow for a funeral, keeping the voicemails of someone who died, how to keep a loved one's handwriting, the free printable sheet of twenty questions to ask your parents.